I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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