I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize