I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize