I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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