My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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