I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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