somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
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Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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