I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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