It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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