He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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