Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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