Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
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I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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