Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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