I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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