he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You may now shotgun with the bride
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize