I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize