so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
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He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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