I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize