i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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