Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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