My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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