My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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