i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
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I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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