I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
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i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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