so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize