all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize