Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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