When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize