apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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