you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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