True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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