She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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