where am i from again
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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