If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize