My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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