Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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