Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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