I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I smell stomach acid.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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