Say something about gay babies.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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