I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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