just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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