when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
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You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
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My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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