My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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