The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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