im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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