I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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