omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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