So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Someone signed my nipple.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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