never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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