Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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