Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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